Chasing Him - a Relationship Timeline
 Have you ever felt like a man is doing everything
he can to throw you off balance? Like he's hot one minute and cold the
next? Like a jungle cat - coming close enough to get petted on the head
and fed, and then baring his fangs, hissing and leaping away the moment
you move even an inch toward him? And you ask yourself - is he a
commitment- phoebe? Is he just not the one for me? Is he just not
capable of rowing the Relationship Rowboat - or WHAT...?
I remember spending my precious brainpower and
precious energy - not to mention precious LOVE on men who may have been
any of the above or none of the above. But one thing's for sure,
they weren't doing ME any good. They may have been handsome, smart,
artistic, poetic, funny, rich, talented, powerful and good fathers.
They may have been exactly what I wanted. But they were, to borrow a
line from a movie trailer I just saw - Great looking shoes - just in the
wrong size for ME.
So - what makes a great looking shoe in the RIGHT
SIZE? Let's look at this hot/cold thing that men do. Have you ever
noticed that he's hot when you're cold and cold when you're hot? I'll
bet you've tried doing all kinds of "strategies," like playing "hard to
get" and "I don't care" and he all of a sudden got hot as you PRETENDED
to get cold. But then, the second you warmed up, off he went again into
the freezer.
And, if you're anything like I was, you thought it
had something to do with you, and got all down about yourself, and then
you thought it had to do with him, and got angry at him, and then you
got scared and went right back to being totally confused. I
remember practically living there, in that place where I was always
bouncing between beating myself up, getting angry at him, and then
feeling guilty and scared. It was as though I slept and ate in the land
of "I'm confused about men and I'm really confused about this
relationship." And the really rotten thing about it is that so many men
love to play this game with us. And about 100% of men don't even know
they're playing it!
They just do it sort of automatically.
Here's a letter from "Chasing Him":
Rori, You have me pegged...I have been chasing
"Don" for 4 years. We were together through our respective divorces,
then he decided he needed to be with another woman; that lasted 1 1/2
years, now we're dating again. He tells me he's not ready for
commitment but might be "someday." I want commitment and romance.
Sex used to be great. It no longer is.
We enjoy each other's company; we have interests
and community in common. He calls almost every night and we see each
other at church and date 2 or 3 times a month. Should I give him more
time or let him go? Thank you, "Chasing Him".
***Chasing Him's situation is so incredibly
painful, and so many of us find ourselves there - wanting and waiting
for a commitment.
Where the man is acting "sort of into the
relationship" but says he's not. And then, the confusion and
frustration we're feeling make the quality of the relationship - sex,
romance, affection, attention - go downhill. I don't know a single
woman who hasn't been through this "I'm waiting around for commitment,
what should I do?" problem.
It's a mistake we've all made, and perhaps you're
making it too, right now.
Have you ever found yourself going through this,
or are now, and it just feels like a horrible "either/or" choice you
have to make? Where you have to decide either to give him more time or
let him go? But it doesn't have to be that way.
There's another way, my Rori Raye Third Way, which
uses all my
Tools to feel stronger on the inside and inspire a man to move the
relationship forward on the outside. First, I'd like to lay the
groundwork for a whole new way of looking at "dating" and
"relationships" that will help you tremendously.
Do you find yourself wondering what a man means by
what he says, or what he's feeling at any given moment? Well, a
"Relationship" looks, feels and moves very differently for a man than it
does for us women. And that's why we're so confused by a man's
behavior, and why we spend so much time and energy trying to figure him
out. If I'd known then what I know now, I could have skipped all the
hours and days and heartache I spent focusing on a man and forgetting
about myself.
I'd like to save you the trial-and-error I slogged
through and get you right to the good stuff. Let's start with what
dating you looks like in a man's mind. Let's say you've been
seeing each other for a few months, with or without sex: So...he says
(in his mind), "Here's this girl (you), and she's pretty, and sexy, and
she likes me, and I like her well enough, and we get along great, and
she's willing to kiss me and cuddle with me, and maybe have sex with me,
and cook me dinner and even pay for things sometimes - what could
possibly be wrong?"
In other words, he takes what he can get, and
doesn't think anything of it. When a man says, "I'm just not ready for
a relationship now. But maybe 'someday' and maybe 'you,' and I don't
want to hurt you," we think he means he's just confused and that he'll
come around and see we're meant for each other very soon. But mostly,
what he's saying is that he doesn't want to get serious with us.
Perhaps he truly doesn't want to be serious with
any woman, but for sure, he doesn't want to be serious with us, not
right now. And he doesn't even THINK about why he doesn't want to get
serious. He's just following his gut feelings. We women might
call this (I know it's indelicate, but it's true) "following his dick."
But I'll call it "following his heart," because, really, it is. For a
man, sex and love can be (unlike most of us women) completely separate.
When he tells us he doesn't want to get serious, for whatever reason,
it DOESN'T mean he wants to stop seeing us, or sleeping with us, or
having fun with us (as long as he thinks we're fun).
He's just telling us not to get our hopes up. But
he's instinctively doing it in a way that keeps us hoping. So he gets
exactly what he wants. He gets US, with no strings attached! And he
can always, if things get sticky, refer back to the conversation in
which he said "I don't want to hurt you." The thing is - he's not doing
it on purpose to hurt us.
He doesn't want to hurt us, but he figures if he
tells us that, and we still stick around, then it's OUR decision, and so
that lets him off the hook. In other words, he takes us at face value.
If we're still there after his "I don't want to get serious, maybe
someday, and I don't want to hurt you" speech, then we're agreeing with
him that the "relationship" is now on his terms. And then later on, if
we continue to expect that the relationship is moving forward, he feels
almost offended.
We women, on the other hand, are completely
different about not wanting to hurt anyone else. We REALLY don't want
to do that. We don't want to hurt anyone else. And we're very
sensitive about what it means to hurt someone else. We REALLY stop
seeing a man after a pleasant, but not marriage-bound (as far as we're
concerned) date because we don't want to hurt his feelings somewhere
down the line.
We don't want to lead a man on. But for a man,
it's different. For a man, EVERYTHING up until the engagement ring is
"just dating" - or, even worse, "just friends." The whole concept of
"leading us on" doesn't even exist for them. (We're talking about a
decent, regular guy here, not a "player." I'll deal with the Red Flags
about players in another eLetter.)
MEN FIGURE WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. Really, they
do. They expect us - just because we're women - to understand
relationships better than they do. They ASSUME that if we're dating
them, we know we're "just dating" them - and, of course, most of the
time we don't.
I know I never did. To me, a goodnight kiss (if I
wanted to kiss him again) was a "Relationship." A man, on the other
hand, can not only kiss us goodnight and want to kiss us again, he can
have sex with us and want to have sex with us again - and still not see
it as a "Relationship."
So, with all this difference in perception between
us - as to what kind of relationship we are or aren't in - how can we
possibly hope to get a man to commit to us? If he doesn't even see
himself in a "relationship," how can he think of us in the long-term?
***This all has to do with what I call THE
RELATIONSHIP TIMELINE.
It's the difference between "just dating" and
"just friends" and a REAL Relationship. It's the difference between an
IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIP and a Real Relationship. It's the difference
between where you and I feel we are in the Relationship Timeline and
where HE thinks we are. And most of the time, we're way ahead of him.
We're looking at banquet halls for the wedding
when he's just thinking of us as a "great girl." We're making ourselves
exclusive to one man who thinks he's "just dating" us. We cut out our
options, and keep our feelings hidden. Does this sound familiar to
you? If you're finding yourself spending your time, energy and love in
the confusion and heartache that is an Imaginary Relationship, you don't
have to live in that place anymore.
There's so much you can do for yourself, and I
know my
Tools
will help you. And as you practice the Tools, feel stronger and better
about yourself, and start communicating with a man from your heart (like
he does - in his own way and as best he can), you'll see things change.
You'll start to see the relationship you're only Imagining now becoming
more Real.
*****So, how can we make a man like this, who
(like most men) is just going along, having fun and stepping forward if
he's having fun, and pulling away if he thinks he's not having fun, want
to commit to us?
What flips the switch from an Imaginary
Relationship into a Real Relationship along the Relationship Timeline.
For now, let's look at two reasons a man will commit to you:
One, he doesn't want to lose you, and knows he
will if he doesn't commit; and Two, he wants to be with you non-stop and
just feels compelled to commit to you and get you to commit to him.
One is something he's afraid of and wants to avoid
because it will cause him pain, the other is something he just flat-out
wants because he wants it. And different men, just like us, are
motivated differently Some of us focus on moving AWAY from things we
don't like, and some of us focus on moving TOWARD things we do like.
So, what's the smart thing to do that will
actually work? You'll cover all your bases.
You'll do the Rori Raye Mantra. First, you'll let
him know that he'll lose you if he doesn't move the relationship
forward. This is Trusting Your Boundaries. That means that you
TRUST YOURSELF - that you will not hang around with a man who doesn't
want what you want - which is commitment - which might be marriage, or
walking off into the sunset together. This isn't an ultimatum.
This is simply not becoming exclusive (in any way but sexually), with
any man until he's sure of what he wants, and you want it, too!
Then, Second, you'll open your heart to him.
This is Following Your Feelings and Choosing Your
Words. You'll be inviting him into your heart, and staying warm and
focused on yourself and your own feelings. This way, once he touches
your warm and open heart with his own heart (but still gets from your
"vibe" that he'll lose you if he doesn't step up to the plate), he'll
want to be around you, and with you, always. You can do it! If I did
it, you can.
Love,
Rori Raye
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