How to Get Some Romance and Not be a "Friend"
Somewhere along the line - we have all fallen into
the "friend trap". Ooooohh that hateful place where you are not
his girlfriend - you are relegated to the status of "a friend"! I
dated a guy once for about 6 months. By Valentine's day that year
he had STILL not told me he loved me, and I was practically CHOKING on
the need to say those words to him, and of course, hear them in return.
So on Valentine's day, I figured, surely, this is
THE DAY. We went out for a nice romantic dinner, came back to my
house, and I saw he had a gift and a card for me. The gift was
nice, it was a specially made teddy bear. The card ... I don't
remember exactly what it said, other than it was signed "Your friend,
Shane". My friend. My FRIEND??? I somehow made it
through the night without freaking out, until he left. It was not
long after that until I broke it off. If I was only a friend, then
I was going to find a REAL date. I saw, when I read this,
that I had made some of the same mistakes Mary made.
Here's a letter in Rori Raye's newsletter from
"Mary," who's struggling with a man who's just told her he feels like
they're "friends":
Rori, I need some major advice. I have40op. been seeing
this guy for 4 months. We go out together, we go to eat, we talk
everyday all day while he at work, but, now all the sudden he says he
looks at as if I was, just a friend and not someone to be in a
relationship with. So what do I do after putting all this time and effort
into him? He knows that I'm in love with him. Thank you, Mary
Rori writes:
Dear Mary,
This is not over yet! This is going to be the
most intense learning experience with a man you've ever had, because now
you have my Tools to practice with. Please look at this as your
opportunity to change your love life- right here, right now.
I can hear your pain and frustration, and though
I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation, I know from my own
experience and the success of my clients that if you try the Tools
you'll feel better. First, please promise yourself you will never
again become exclusive with ANY man until he fully commits to you. That
means you date other men up until he proposes. You don't sleep with
anyone else, but you go on coffee dates, lunch dates, out for fun, etc.
This will keep you sane and feeling balanced. It
will keep your self-esteem up, because you will be able to practice
RECEIVING attention and affection from other men. You'll be able to
Feel Good just by noticing men everywhere being interested in you. The
moment you shut the "Flirty" part of you down (let's call that part
"Flirty Girl"), your man can feel it. And when he feels that you've
shut down that part of you that attracts other men to you, you shift the
Energy Exchange between you in a way that pretty much PUSHES HIM AWAY.
I know that sounds weird. You'd think he'd be
HAPPY that you're now all content with him and focused on him. You'd
think he'd feel relaxed now, and able to trust you. But that's just not
how it works. Trust comes from a deeper place that has to do with YOUR
VULNERABILITY. It has absolutely nothing to do with you shutting your
sexy, flirty self down out in the world. So, this is good news!
If you've been thinking that he'll trust you more
if you shut yourself down out there, you've been making a mistake that
you can quickly change - and truly help yourself! What actually
happens is this: The moment he becomes your "one and only," without his
asking you (and remember - this is important - he has to ask you NOT in
a "boyfriend" sort of way, but in a "wedding ring" way), he feels
pressured.
And as he feels pressured, all your insecurities
and old patterns start to fight against your common sense. He almost
instantly starts to move backward, away from you. And that kicks in
your inner nasty voices and feelings of need and desperation, and so you
automatically (if you're anything like I was and like most of us women
are instinctively), you feel compelled to move toward him.
That looks like Leaning Forward (opposite of a
technique Rori Raye teaches called
Leaning Back
in her e-Book) when you're talking to him, paying way too much
attention to how he feels and what he's doing, and trying to manage to
see him and talk to him as much as possible. And he can FEEL all this.
And it just sends him away. It sends him to the Land of "Just Friends."
So what you do now is Backtrack. There are so
many things to stop doing and to begin doing that will shift the Energy
Exchange back to where it needs to be to reconnect with a man once he's
made the "friends" speech. You'll find it all in my
book and
Toolkit - but for now, start with bringing back "Flirty Girl" and
opening yourself to all the wonderful men there are out there.
Even if you don't feel ready to actually go out
with them, just thinking about it, and taking baby steps toward allowing
them to talk with you and connect with you, will help you tremendously.
Your man will notice the difference in you.
This is the absolutely first step in what I call
BRIDGING - which is my word for a new way of "dating." Bridging is how
you cross the Bridge from an Imaginary Relationship to a Real
Relationship. And the first and easiest way to Bridge is to keep all
your options open all the time. That means continuing to allow other
men to talk with you, get your phone number and email address, and SPEND
FUN TIME with you.
The reason for keeping your options open and
"dating" other men is NOT to protect yourself, or make him jealous, or
to find another man. The reason for "dating" other men is for YOU. So
you can practice my Tools as much as possible, on real men.
So you can learn to have fun, start using Feeling
Messages, practice my Sensual Meditation in PUBLIC, and feel more
comfortable in your own skin in the presence of men. This practicing
with other men will raise your self-esteem and help you so much with the
man you're now focused on. And most important - dating other men will
take your focus OFF of this man and put it where it belongs - on
yourself!
The only way to see if this man can switch from
friendship to romance is to emotionally walk away. Tell him he's right
about the "friends" thing. Agree with him. Step away completely. That
means no talking, no lunch, no dinner because you have to DATE OTHER MEN
and you don't have so much time in your life for a male friend.
This is absolutely true. My guess is you'll hear
from him quickly, He'll be chasing you down. He'll be upset that you're
cutting him off. Just be calm and say that you re looking for romance
and a real relationship, and being friends with him is making it hard
for you to move on, and you'll contact him and be able to be friends
later, when you're with a man who wants the kind of relationship you
do. Do it with a smile, very casually, no crying, no begging and see
what happens.
After you've practiced with other men, using my
Feeling Messages and the Leanback and Focusing on Yourself and Loving
Yourself Tools, you'll be ready to talk with him and see him. I wish
you luck!
Love, Rori Raye
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