Get REAL LOVE by NOT being the "Good Woman"
If you've ever been caught totally believing that a
relationship was going somewhere, only to be BLINDSIDED by a man who's
giving you mixed signals and keeping you off balance, you're not alone.
Almost all of us have been shaken (and very rudely
sometimes), into finally seeing that we're actually in an Imaginary
Relationship. And that we've been investing so much of our time and
energy and love into a man who never intended to be in a Real
Relationship with us.
Sometimes we're confused even after the bad news
hits - we can't remember the clues that would have helped us at the
beginning. And sometimes we admit to ourselves that we noticed the Red
Flags all along.
***Here's a letter from "Maria," who's in a
situation like this. It always looks so different
- even obvious - seeing it from here, from just her
letter, But you and I know from experience that when you're inside a
relationship, even an Imaginary one, it takes practice, experience and
help to recognize the Red Flags before you get sucked in.
Hi Rori,
I just bought your book and I feel hope. I want to
change and do things that work. But I need your help. I dated him for 2
years and a half. He slowly committed but "was not sure I was the one".
He broke up with me a year ago.
Since then we talk on the phone and maintain
contact. Last Thanksgiving he came to visit me (he lives in another
city, 2 hours from me). We had passion, love, respect and I was in
heaven.
I traveled abroad for 2 months, but I called him
3 times this year 2007. He is always friendly,
talks a lot on the phone, and keeps telling me things about his life
that demonstrates respect and trust such as money, how much he has, his
plans, etc.
So, although not together I have this faith we are
going to be together again in another level.
I have been investing in myself, changing, etc.
But last weekend he asked me to pick him up at the
airport, he is traveling looking for jobs, since he was fired last
February. I went.
We had lunch, he was friendly, but BOOM... This is
why I am writing and why I found you.
He told me he has been dating someone for 3 months.
I didn't expect that.
I was expecting him to be closer to me. My past
experiences, I would give up and move on. Now I want to act differently.
I want to win, as I won challenging competitions in
my career, and even when I won the cancer battle. I love him, he loves
me but there is a fear from him towards me.
He is coming to my city more frequently now to look
for jobs. He is here today and I want to call him. My strategy is to
change my attitudes, my feelings, but be around, as a friend.
How could I approach him on the phone to see how
the job interview was, but at the same time attract him back?
I know I need to change. I know I have the
knowledge and I can change, but when I am with him I keep repeating the
same things.
I opened my heart to him after he told me about
this other girl. I felt I had to demonstrate what I feel without shame
or fear.
But perhaps I was too available. Can you help me?
Thank you for being there for us, Maria
***I can hear Maria's frustration and pain, and
also the tell-tale signs of an Imaginary Relationship.
Can you recognize some of the signs? Her man
actually "broke up" with her, and so he now is able to see her, be with
her and be intimate with her - and all "commitment-free." I don't know
much about her man and the kind of work he does, so I don't know how
much "being fired" is effecting him. Work is always hugely important
for men. Without work or career security, they are often unable to step
up to the plate for the long term with a woman they consider to be
high-quality. They lose confidence.
The problem for us starts when we sense this about
a man. Even though the work issue might be temporary, we tend to put
down our Goddess crowns and turn ourselves into "Good Women." We
somehow start to think that being a good friend and being understanding
- being there and sometimes even making excuses for a man's behavior
- is the way to his heart. And it's not.
The way to a man's heart is ALWAYS to be ON OUR OWN
PEDISTAL. The way to a man's heart is in being exactly who we are and
EXPECTING a man to appreciate us - no matter WHAT the state of his own
life.
So, if you've ever found yourself in the same place
as Maria, think of it this way: You are not a good friend who is also
sexy and fun - you are a sexy, fun, fabulous woman who is in a LOVE
relationship, not a FRIEND relationship - and who is also capable of
being a good friend.
The way to make that shift RIGHT NOW is to STOP
being a "Friend." If a man hasn't made a move, chances are he sees you
as a friend. If he's dating someone else, he sees YOU as a friend. And
that's all he will ever see you as.
I spent most of my own life (before I figured out
why I was doing it) wrapped up in longing for men who weren't interested
in me. I thought my warmth, humor, niceness, givingness, compassion,
sex, etc. would bring a man in, but it only made him want to be with me
as a friend (with sex, of course). It was the women who seemed to
actually absorb the love those men had to give (especially if it was a
small amount to begin with), who got these men.
So, what you want to practice most, in my book, and
in my
Heart Connection Toolkit CDs is how to RECEIVE whatever
love this man has to give. To Leanback and STOP doing anything that
seems like friendship stuff. AND - and this is important - he has to
sense that you have a life outside of him. This means you have to DATE
OTHER MEN, or at least start flirting. Go out on coffee dates, lunch
and dinner dates, and forget about this man when he's not near.
Don't call, don't initiate contact. Change your
hair, your clothing style, everything about you when you do see him.
(Remember this isn't for HIM - this is for YOU - so you FEEL different
inside.) If you are happily dating a bunch of other men, it might even
shift the perception your man has of you.
If he's involved with "another woman," like Maria's
man, things might change after 3 months. He might run from that
"relationship" too. And if that happens, you absolutely DO NOT want to
be his "friend"! You want to be the fresh, sexy, interesting, confident
woman he never really saw before, when he was only looking at you as his
"friend." You want to be the REAL you he somehow missed.
So, please make yourself available to men
everywhere, go out on dates with as many of them as you can find room in
your schedule for, and have as much fun as possible.
Please believe the man who'll be a great partner
for you is out there and don't focus in on this one man. It limits your
options, and you deserve better than that. You deserve to have
everything you want. Your dream man WILL show up, and there won't be any
question about whether or not he wants you.
***Here's a letter from "Carol," who's dealing with
something we caring, loving, Good Women experience often - a man who's
emotionally wounded:
Hi, I started dating this man a couple months after
his father died from a long illness.
Although we'd met each other about 1 1/2 years
prior and had gone out several times, this time he was present and
attentive and eager to spend time with me.
Then he started to withdraw both physically and
mentally (I think in part to dealing with his grief). And after reading
your book, realizing I was relating with him all wrong...playing it
cool, not really opening up with my feelings or allowing myself to be
vulnerable.
So we started talking about this distance and he
said that he didn't really understand what was going on with him other
than he felt he was closing off (and that he didn't know if it was his
dad's passing or what)...he had no libido and that frustrated him...
Well in any event we are now just friends but I still want the chance of
a relationship with him.
Do you think its possible to start again? He hasn't
been staying too close in touch with me lately so I do not know what he
is thinking or feeling. I told him that I wanted to give him his space
and I do.
I want to honor his feelings and let him do what he
needs to do...But, it's a disappointment for sure and I wish that I
would have read your book before we started seeing each other. And I wish I knew what to do to possibly open the
door for romance with him again.
Any advice for me? He is a really good, honest man
deep down. And I know that I want to be more open and vulnerable in my
relationships. Thanks (sorry for the long rant) :) Carol in San
Francisco
Dear Carol, Okay, You are a sufferer (like so many
of us) of the Good Woman Syndrome. You've somehow got it figured out
that he's tender from his dad's death (which he is) and so you want to
sway him into your arms with kindness, lovingness, respect, space,
honoring him, goodness, maturity, all that.
And that will never work. Not ever. What a man in
a grief situation wants is someone so full of life and so focused on
herself and completely UNNEEDY of attention and yet REQUIRING attention
that he has to come out of himself to meet her where she is.
This woman he has in mind is a woman who is desired
and being chased by every man around. She's a woman who is CHOOSING to
be with him. And her choice is NOT based on how SAD he is, but on what
he does for HER.
Many of us women are drawn to men who are
suffering. It's poetic, it's romantic. We're attracted to it. But a
man who's suffering doesn't want to feel on the receiving end of "pity,"
which is how he sees it He sees himself as weak already, and if you
are attracted to him for that, and show it by being extra understanding,
extra nice, all the GOOD WOMAN things we do - then he's going to feel
even weaker.
A man who feels weak around you WILL NOT be
ATTRACTED to you! If we're always going over to where they are they
feel emasculated, unneeded (and though this is seemingly contradictory
- men want to feel needed for the right things, like fun, great sex,
heart connection - not for what we feel when we feel desperate and
lonely) and completely unmoved by us. The solution and the cure for all
this is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
Be the girl who dances on tables and has a passion
for things other than romance with him. THAT will get his attention.
Use my Rori Raye Tools to learn to be comfortable in your own skin.
Laugh. Have fun. Forget about what you want from him or what you want
him to feel from you.
Here's a quick Tool: APPRECIATION IS DIFFERENT FROM
"UNDERSTANDING."
In other words - being understanding, and lenient,
and forgiving, and easy on a man because he's in a difficult situation
personally makes him feel BAD. It makes him feel weaker than you
because you're the one GIVING to him.
This is the time when he may be most drawn to a
woman who is MORE WOUNDED than he is, and needs and appreciates his
help. This is NOT you, and you don't want to pretend to be the damsel
in distress.
But there's something to learn from this "weak"
female character, and that's VULNERABILITY. So much of my work is about
getting in touch with your feelings so you can express them to your man,
allow yourself to be vulnerable, and let him into your heart.
There's a big difference between the needs even a
strong woman has - for connection, for security, for a stable life of
her own, for sharing herself and making a difference in the world, and
for help with temporary difficulties she's going through - and the
ongoing neediness of a desperate and insecure 'weak" woman who doesn't
believe in herself and needs a man to make her "whole.".
Most of us have a little of ALL of those qualities
- yes, even the ones we don't like. And being vulnerable means letting
a man see ALL of them. Most of us are so afraid of our "neediness"
taking over, that we don't allow a man to see the other needs - the ones
that even our strongest parts have. We don't allow him to see our
softness.
He's left with a feeling of not being able to
connect with us - no matter how hard we're TRYING to CREATE that
connection. To get that started inside yourself (The Toolkit will help
you tremendously) try switching from understanding to appreciating.
When your man does anything - no matter how small, thank him.
Let him do stuff for you. Let him see you with
your hair down. Let him see that you're not so perfectly put together,
either. At the same time - use my Tools to keep yourself from ACTING on
your needs - from calling him, or inviting him places, or pretending you
aren't upset when you are.
When a man feels appreciated, he feels stronger.
Try it on every man you know and every man you meet, and see what
happens. Please let me know how it works for you.
***Here's a Success Story from "Valerie":
"Dear Rori, I had to giggle after reading your
email today and give you an update. (I wrote you a couple of times
thanking you for all your advice and how your books have helped me to
heal and love myself again.)
I am 53 ....I went through a terrible break up, and
now he phones and asks if we can go on a date.
At the same time, because of your book and Toolkit,
I'm dating and happy and truly enjoying my work. Everyone has said
"You've changed. You look great".....(all the sadness and disappointment
is gone). I do tell people it's because of the help I have received from
you.
And - Men are coming out of the woodwork! I am
dating a "hot stud"....a CEO (both of the men are younger then
me...which has been fun).....and after 3 dates with another gentlemen,
he wanted to start a serious relationship with me (and I never even
kissed him before he asked).
Thank you.....and Yes...you're right - we can get
what we want and learn new tools at any age. Love, Valerie
***If Valerie can bounce back - and so fast - from
a horrible breakup, and have attractive men falling from the sky and
pursuing her seriously, so can you.
It might be a completely new man, or it might be
the man you're with right now. Use the Tools and let me know how it
goes.
Love, Rori
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