Relationship Advice for Real Women!

Coach Rori Raye - Get REAL LOVE by NOT being the "Good Woman"

If you've ever been caught totally believing that a relationship was going somewhere, only to be BLINDSIDED by a man who's giving you mixed signals and keeping you off balance, you're not alone.

Almost all of us have been shaken (and very rudely sometimes), into finally seeing that we're actually in an Imaginary Relationship.  And that we've been investing so much of our time and energy and love into a man who never intended to be in a Real Relationship with us.

Sometimes we're confused even after the bad news hits - we can't remember the clues that would have helped us at the beginning.  And sometimes we admit to ourselves that we noticed the Red Flags all along.

***Here's a letter from "Maria," who's in a situation like this.  It always looks so different

- even obvious - seeing it from here, from just her letter, But you and I know from experience that when you're inside a relationship, even an Imaginary one, it takes practice, experience and help to recognize the Red Flags before you get sucked in.

Hi Rori,

I just bought your book and I feel hope. I want to change and do things that work. But I need your help. I dated him for 2 years and a half. He slowly committed but "was not sure I was the one".

He broke up with me a year ago.

Since then we talk on the phone and maintain contact. Last Thanksgiving he came to visit me (he lives in another city, 2 hours from me). We had passion, love, respect and I was in heaven.

I traveled abroad for 2 months, but I called him

3 times this year 2007. He is always friendly, talks a lot on the phone, and keeps telling me things about his life that demonstrates respect and trust such as money, how much he has, his plans, etc.

So, although not together I have this faith we are going to be together again in another level.

I have been investing in myself, changing, etc.

But last weekend he asked me to pick him up at the airport, he is traveling looking for jobs, since he was fired last February. I went.

We had lunch, he was friendly, but BOOM... This is why I am writing and why I found you.

He told me he has been dating someone for 3 months. I didn't expect that.

I was expecting him to be closer to me. My past experiences, I would give up and move on. Now I want to act differently.

I want to win, as I won challenging competitions in my career, and even when I won the cancer battle. I love him, he loves me but there is a fear from him towards me.

He is coming to my city more frequently now to look for jobs. He is here today and I want to call him. My strategy is to change my attitudes, my feelings, but be around, as a friend.

How could I approach him on the phone to see how the job interview was, but at the same time attract him back?

I know I need to change. I know I have the knowledge and I can change, but when I am with him I keep repeating the same things.

I opened my heart to him after he told me about this other girl. I felt I had to demonstrate what I feel without shame or fear.

But perhaps I was too available. Can you help me?

Thank you for being there for us, Maria

***I can hear Maria's frustration and pain, and also the tell-tale signs of an Imaginary Relationship.

Can you recognize some of the signs?  Her man actually "broke up" with her, and so he now is able to see her, be with her and be intimate with her - and all "commitment-free."  I don't know much about her man and the kind of work he does, so I don't know how much "being fired" is effecting him.  Work is always hugely important for men.  Without work or career security, they are often unable to step up to the plate for the long term with a woman they consider to be high-quality.  They lose confidence.

The problem for us starts when we sense this about a man.  Even though the work issue might be temporary, we tend to put down our Goddess crowns and turn ourselves into "Good Women."  We somehow start to think that being a good friend and being understanding - being there and sometimes even making excuses for a man's behavior

- is the way to his heart.  And it's not.

The way to a man's heart is ALWAYS to be ON OUR OWN PEDISTAL.  The way to a man's heart is in being exactly who we are and EXPECTING a man to appreciate us - no matter WHAT the state of his own life.

So, if you've ever found yourself in the same place as Maria, think of it this way: You are not a good friend who is also sexy and fun - you are a sexy, fun, fabulous woman who is in a LOVE relationship, not a FRIEND relationship - and who is also capable of being a good friend.

The way to make that shift RIGHT NOW is to STOP being a "Friend."  If a man hasn't made a move, chances are he sees you as a friend.  If he's dating someone else, he sees YOU as a friend.  And that's all he will ever see you as.

I spent most of my own life (before I figured out why I was doing it) wrapped up in longing for men who weren't interested in me.  I thought my warmth, humor, niceness, givingness, compassion, sex, etc. would bring a man in, but it only made him want to be with me as a friend (with sex, of course).  It was the women who seemed to actually absorb the love those men had to give (especially if it was a small amount to begin with), who got these men.   

So, what you want to practice most, in my book, and in my Heart Connection Toolkit CDs is how to RECEIVE whatever love this man has to give.  To Leanback and STOP doing anything that seems like friendship stuff.  AND - and this is important - he has to sense that you have a life outside of him.  This means you have to DATE OTHER MEN, or at least start flirting.  Go out on coffee dates, lunch and dinner dates, and forget about this man when he's not near.

Don't call, don't initiate contact.  Change your hair, your clothing style, everything about you when you do see him.  (Remember this isn't for HIM - this is for YOU - so you FEEL different inside.)  If you are happily dating a bunch of other men, it might even shift the perception your man has of you.

If he's involved with "another woman," like Maria's man, things might change after 3 months.  He might run from that "relationship" too.  And if that happens, you absolutely DO NOT want to be his "friend"!  You want to be the fresh, sexy, interesting, confident woman he never really saw before, when he was only looking at you as his "friend." You want to be the REAL you he somehow missed.

So, please make yourself available to men everywhere, go out on dates with as many of them as you can find room in your schedule for, and have as much fun as possible.

Please believe the man who'll be a great partner for you is out there and don't focus in on this one man. It limits your options, and you deserve better than that.  You deserve to have everything you want. Your dream man WILL show up, and there won't be any question about whether or not he wants you.

***Here's a letter from "Carol," who's dealing with something we caring, loving, Good Women experience often - a man who's emotionally wounded:

Hi, I started dating this man a couple months after his father died from a long illness.

Although we'd met each other about 1 1/2 years prior and had gone out several times, this time he was present and attentive and eager to spend time with me.

Then he started to withdraw both physically and mentally (I think in part to dealing with his grief). And after reading your book, realizing I was relating with him all wrong...playing it cool, not really opening up with my feelings or allowing myself to be vulnerable.

So we started talking about this distance and he said that he didn't really understand what was going on with him other than he felt he was closing off (and that he didn't know if it was his dad's passing or what)...he had no libido and that frustrated him... Well in any event we are now just friends but I still want the chance of a relationship with him.

Do you think its possible to start again? He hasn't been staying too close in touch with me lately so I do not know what he is thinking or feeling. I told him that I wanted to give him his space and I do.

I want to honor his feelings and let him do what he needs to do...But, it's a disappointment for sure and I wish that I would have read your book before we started seeing each other.  And I wish I knew what to do to possibly open the door for romance with him again.

Any advice for me? He is a really good, honest man deep down. And I know that I want to be more open and vulnerable in my relationships. Thanks (sorry for the long rant) :) Carol in San Francisco

Dear Carol, Okay, You are a sufferer (like so many of us) of the Good Woman Syndrome.  You've somehow got it figured out that he's tender from his dad's death (which he is) and so you want to sway him into your arms with kindness, lovingness, respect, space, honoring him, goodness, maturity, all that.

And that will never work.  Not ever.  What a man in a grief situation wants is someone so full of life and so focused on herself and completely UNNEEDY of attention and yet REQUIRING attention that he has to come out of himself to meet her where she is.

This woman he has in mind is a woman who is desired and being chased by every man around.  She's a woman who is CHOOSING to be with him.  And her choice is NOT based on how SAD he is, but on what he does for HER.

Many of us women are drawn to men who are suffering.  It's poetic, it's romantic.  We're attracted to it.  But a man who's suffering doesn't want to feel on the receiving end of "pity," which is how he sees it   He sees himself as weak already, and if you are attracted to him for that, and show it by being extra understanding, extra nice, all the GOOD WOMAN things we do - then he's going to feel even weaker.

A man who feels weak around you WILL NOT be ATTRACTED to you!  If we're always going over to where they are they feel emasculated, unneeded (and though this is seemingly contradictory -  men want to feel needed for the right things, like fun, great sex, heart connection - not for what we feel when we feel desperate and lonely) and completely unmoved by us.  The solution and the cure for all this is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

Be the girl who dances on tables and has a passion for things other than romance with him.  THAT will get his attention.  Use my Rori Raye Tools to learn to be comfortable in your own skin.  Laugh.  Have fun.  Forget about what you want from him or what you want him to feel from you.

Here's a quick Tool: APPRECIATION IS DIFFERENT FROM "UNDERSTANDING."

In other words - being understanding, and lenient, and forgiving, and easy on a man because he's in a difficult situation personally makes him feel BAD.  It makes him feel weaker than you because you're the one GIVING to him.

This is the time when he may be most drawn to a woman who is MORE WOUNDED than he is, and needs and appreciates his help.  This is NOT you, and you don't want to pretend to be the damsel in distress.

But there's something to learn from this "weak" female character, and that's VULNERABILITY.  So much of my work is about getting in touch with your feelings so you can express them to your man, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and let him into your heart.

There's a big difference between the needs even a strong woman has - for connection, for security, for a stable life of her own, for sharing herself and making a difference in the world, and for help with temporary difficulties she's going through - and the ongoing neediness of a desperate and insecure 'weak" woman who doesn't believe in herself and needs a man to make her "whole.".

Most of us have a little of ALL of those qualities - yes, even the ones we don't like.  And being vulnerable means letting a man see ALL of them.  Most of us are so afraid of our "neediness" taking over, that we don't allow a man to see the other needs - the ones that even our strongest parts have.  We don't allow him to see our softness.

He's left with a feeling of not being able to connect with us - no matter how hard we're TRYING to CREATE that connection.  To get that started inside yourself (The Toolkit will help you tremendously) try switching from understanding to appreciating.  When your man does anything - no matter how small, thank him.

Let him do stuff for you.  Let him see you with your hair down.  Let him see that you're not so perfectly put together, either.  At the same time - use my Tools to keep yourself from ACTING on your needs - from calling him, or inviting him places, or pretending you aren't upset when you are.

When a man feels appreciated, he feels stronger.  Try it on every man you know and every man you meet, and see what happens.  Please let me know how it works for you.

***Here's a Success Story from "Valerie":

"Dear Rori, I had to giggle after reading your email today and give you an update. (I wrote you a couple of times thanking you for all your advice and how your books have helped me to heal and love myself again.)

I am 53 ....I went through a terrible break up, and now he phones and asks if we can go on a date.

At the same time, because of your book and Toolkit, I'm dating and happy and truly enjoying my work. Everyone has said "You've changed. You look great".....(all the sadness and disappointment is gone). I do tell people it's because of the help I have received from you.

And - Men are coming out of the woodwork! I am dating a "hot stud"....a CEO (both of the men are younger then me...which has been fun).....and after 3 dates with another gentlemen, he wanted to start a serious relationship with me (and I never even kissed him before he asked).

Thank you.....and Yes...you're right - we can get what we want and learn new tools at any age. Love, Valerie

***If Valerie can bounce back - and so fast - from a horrible breakup, and have attractive men falling from the sky and pursuing her seriously, so can you.

It might be a completely new man, or it might be the man you're with right now.  Use the Tools and let me know how it goes.

Love, Rori

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