Commitment Fear
Many of us have encountered commitment fear - its
common among men. It is frustrating, as well. What do you do
when you are faced with fear of commitment from the man you love?
You get some real, down to earth love/relationship advice!
Dear Rori,
I met the guy I am interested in about 4 1/2
months ago, and it has been extremely frustrating. I learned that
he got a divorce about a year ago and two years ago he lost his older
brother to drugs. He has qualities that I like, but emotionally he
is not ready for a new relationship. I just got out of a 9-year
relationship myself and perhaps he is afraid I will go back to my
ex-boyfriend.
I feel he likes me, (at least, that is what his
body language tells me) but it is hard to tell for sure; and because I
don't know what he is thinking most of the time I don't know how to act
when I am around him. I have been following your advice, I have
been taking care of myself. I don't schedule my activities around him, I
am trying to get to know myself again, I keep busy everyday: I workout,
read, spend time with my friends, meditate; and when I least expect it
he is calling me. We have not seen each other for about 4 weeks. I
don't want him to forget about me, but at the same time I refuse to keep
calling him.
He has told me that he likes me and I can call him
anytime, but is not ready for a relationship. His ex-wife cheated on
him, so he has trust issues toward women. He has told me that he feels I
am different and has shared personal information with me that no one
else knows. How do I keep him interested in me without me having
to do all the work? Will he forget about me if I stop calling or
seeing him? I was going to keep in touch with him, because I know what
he has gone through and want him to know that I care about him. On
the other hand, I don't want to send him a Valentine bulletin or love
poetry or anything!
Do you think is a good idea for me to call him
every once in a while? Oh and more thing, I told him that I like him and
care about him, and that I don't expect anything from him since I know
where he stands emotionally, but I think I freaked him out. Its
not like I tried kissing him or anything! I immediately reacted
and told him that I felt I was rushing and that I needed to take things
slowly as well. So, I need some tips on how can I keep him
interested in me without me having to contact him, see him, call him?
Help!!!! I really like this man.
Respectfully, "Vanessa"
Rori Raye's response:
Doesn't your heart fall just reading "Vanessa's
letter? You and I - and possibly Vanessa, too, know that this is an
Imaginary Relationship. As much as Vanessa likes him, and as much
as it seems he likes her, nothing is happening. And we know that it's
the man's job to make things happen. If we take his job away from him,
step on his toes by calling and finding ways to see him - we cut off all
his feelings for us.
So I want to start by applauding Vanessa for doing
so many things right: For taking care of herself and focusing on her own
life (and you can see how well it works just by how he's calling her
unexpectedly), and by NOT calling him. I know how difficult it can be
just to do and not do those things. Let's get now to some of the
mistakes Vanessa is making - mistakes I made many times and perhaps
you're making them right now, too.
Can you hear where Vanessa talks about HIS PAIN?
Losing a sibling is a tragedy, and it's not that I want Vanessa to
minimize the experience and grief her man must be feeling, even after 2
years. And his divorce may have been painful if it was due to his
wife's cheating. And still, none of this has anything to do with his
relationship with Vanessa.
This is all "Making Excuses" for this man and why
he isn't pursuing her the way he should. Do you see where she mentions
that he's "shared personal information with her that no one else knows"?
And his "trust issues"? This is one of the most common mistakes most
of us women have made at least once. We think that being a man's
"friend" through the hard times will cement the relationship and turn it
to passion and love in the future. But that's not how it works.
How many women do you know who put their husbands
through college, only to get dumped the moment the men became
successful? I know several. "Friendship Only" is for friends. If
"Friendship with Romantic Love" is what you want, don't get caught up in
believing the way to "Love" is by being his friend. Friends don't kiss,
friends don't have sex, friends don't "date," friends don't feel that
"tingle in your heart" and friends don't see only each other. Things
happen in life, and sometimes friendship leads to love - but if you're
counting on that, he'll feel it and you'll be disappointed.
Picture this: If WE feel only like friends to a
man like Vanessa's, and that's all we give to him, and at the same time
we go about dating and romancing other men even while we're being
friendly and supportive to this one man - THAT could create a sense of
attraction and longing for us in him. But the moment we turn toward him
with love in our eyes and HE is the one talking about just "being
friends," then being supportive and friendly to this man will not work!
Here's the truth in Vanessa's case: A man who had
a wife who cheated on him is ATTRACTED to women who cheat! I know this
sounds awful, but it's true. He may not like the fact that he's
attracted to women who he can't completely trust, and it might make him
angry and heartbroken, but if you act like a true-blue, long-suffering
GOOD WOMAN with a man like that, you'll lose him to a woman who LOOKS
like she could cheat!
Frustrating, isn't it? So, if being a Good Woman,
a supportive friend, a good listener, and hearing about HIS problems
(like Vanessa is doing) doesn't work - and in fact PUSHES HIM AWAY -
what are you to do?
Well, here are two ways to deal with this kind of
situation:
1. You could see that this man is not a good bet
for a healthy relationship, because you'd constantly have to be creating
distance between you, for perhaps a long time, before he'd start missing
you enough to feel seriously interested - and then, what about the rest
of your lives together? What if he's a man who always needs to be
kept off-balance by a woman in order to love her? You might decide
based on this, that you're better off without him, move on and start
dating up a storm. Or,
2. You could take the exact same attitude as in
Option #1, yet still date him along with many other men. You could
stand back, observe him, and let him prove to you he's worth your time.
You would stop doing anything that looked like "friendship." This
would be things like meeting him, "hanging out" with him, paying for
yourself, listening to his sad stories and holding his hand, giving him
advice...so many other things you would do for or with your girlfriends
that have no place in a love relationship.
Vanessa's started doing this by focusing more on
herself and refusing to reach out to him by calling. You can take it
even further. The next step would be to completely reverse the energy
between you and him. This would mean not only NOT CALLING him, but NOT
THINKING about him, too! This is where my FEELING MESSAGE Tools like
"The Goodnight Talk" will make a difference. Instead of only listening
to him - YOU share YOUR feelings!
It's very easy to be the Good Woman - to care
about someone and recognize their pain.
It's easy because it keeps us from having to be
VULNERABLE ourselves. And what Vanessa needs to do - RIGHT NOW - is to
be Vulnerable around him. But not in BIG ways - not in telling him
how she feels about HIM or the relationship - but how she feels about
her OWN life. This means sharing her fun and happy and passion-filled
times doing what she loves - (this is the
TELLING
STORIES Tool). This means sharing how she's feeling in the present
moment while they're talking on the phone - again - not about HIM, but
about HERSELF.
Most men will be repelled by a woman sharing her
pain about HIM, but will be filled with a desire to join in when we
share about LITTLE things - how stopping at a flower shop and being all
by yourself in the middle of greenery and roses felt, or how sad the
rain made you feel, or how moved you were by a movie you just saw, or a
little kid doing something silly or outrageous, or even maddening at the
market.
Sharing how you feel takes the spotlight off of the
man. And that's what a REAL man wants. Real men do not like the
spotlight in a relationship. "Little Boy" men do. "Little Boys" like
their feelings considered first and always. They want to know what YOU
can do for THEM, and have no interest in doing for you any more than
they have to to keep you around. Often, a man's "Little Boy" "issues"
disappear when we start expressing our real selves - when we become even
MORE vulnerable around him.
If you're with a man, like Vanessa's, who talks
about his own feelings a lot and always seems to want you to come to
him, you can turn the Energy Exchange around by saying how YOU FEEL even
more! You can stop coddling his feelings by asking him what he thinks,
instead.
A real man doesn't want to be coddled. A real man
wants to be a Prince or a King to your Princess. He doesn't want to be
the frog you have to kiss to life - he wants to put the crown on YOUR
head! So next time you're tempted to get "sucked in" by all a man's
stories around why he "can't commit" or "be in a relationship," don't
believe him. He may or may not be lying on purpose, but he's for sure
lying to himself.
Vanessa must go all the way for herself - dating
other men and truly focusing on herself and what feels good to her. And
you can walk the Rori Raye Bridge to the relationship you want by NOT
allowing ANY man to pull you off course. You can do this!
All it takes is to realize that you have choices
and options, and that men everywhere want you.
Even if you've never believed it before, believe
and act like you are very expensive, highly prized, and possessed of
inner strength and outer softness.
A good, real man will recognize that right off and
fight for you. It's true!
Let him.
Love, Rori
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