Free Relationship Advice for Women - Stop Being the Man
Have you ever found yourself three or four months
down the road with a man you really like, maybe even love, and
all of a sudden, you notice that everything's falling apart? At the
beginning, he was wonderful. He called, he picked you up, he made
plans, he was attentive, he told you about himself, he seemed interested
in your life, and there was incredible chemistry between you.
You felt so happy, you're smiling all the time,
you had so much fun with him - it was like you just clicked together on
so many levels. You just KNEW he was the one, you finally got this
relationship thing down, you finally got it right. And then, suddenly,
he doesn't call one day at the time he usually does?
And instead of just shrugging it off, your head
starts spinning a million stories: Oh, he's working so hard, oh he must
have been in a car accident, something must be wrong, or even worse he's
with another woman, he's not interested in me anymore - oh NO! You
can't help it, you just freak out. Over one missed call. And so you do
the normal thing - you call HIM.
I don't even want to remember the many, many times
I fell into this trap. It just felt like the right thing to do. Like
the normal thing. It made sense. I was a feminist. I was into
equality for men and women. I thought a man had a right to expect that
I'd hold up my end of the relationship by calling him as much as he
called me. And either the phone would just keep ringing, or I'd
get his answering machine, or a busy signal, or I'd get him on the phone
and he'd be wondering why I was calling and just be sort of "friendly.'
If you've ever been through this, or finding
yourself doing that now, like I did, then out of your mouth (even if you
wanted to stop yourself you couldn't) comes something like 'I didn't
hear from you and so I was wondering what happened. Are you okay?" The
conversation goes on from there, nice and friendly and even fun, but the
feeling of uneasiness you had the moment he broke his normal routine
with you stays with you. And it just gets harder and harder to
control your thoughts that something's wrong and he's pulling away. So
you call more. Or you send cards and emails and text messages.
You ask him to a party or a concert you happen to
have tickets to. And then you notice it. He's really only calling YOU
once or twice a week. You've become the MAN in the relationship -
you're pursuing HIM.
***Here's a letter from "Missing C," who's
struggling to get her relationship back to where it was in the
beginning. See if you can catch where she's turning herself into the
"boy" in the relationship:
Rori, I feel so confused, alone and distant from
the man I'm seeing.
I've been seeing him for a little over 3 months
now. At first we had so much fun, the chemistry was great and he was
doing things for me. He has serious commitment issues which I think stem
from a very bad childhood with a lack of any kind of stability in his
life. He admits that he has "walls" up and is scared to hurt me if
it doesn't work out or that maybe he's scared to get hurt. He is
constantly worried about his career which isn't going so well.
I can see he's got a lot on his mind. We have a
great time together but I don't feel us moving forward. He doesn't call
me everyday, maybe I get an email or text and I never know if we're
going to get together until he calls at the last minute. One day
last week he didn't kiss me at all and when I asked about it he said
that he's just not "in the mood". Kissing and love making has always
been one of our favorite things - the chemistry was pretty awesome until
I do most of the "guy" things. I call him, ask if
he wants to get together, take care of him, clean his house, buy him
things, etc. In a way I feel like I'm mothering him. Is that like being
the "boy" really? How do I turn this around to where I'm receiving
love instead of just giving all the love? With everything he has going
on and is worried about, is it selfish of me to ask for the affection I
I'm scared and sad and don't want to lose this man.
Please help! 'Missing C.'
***When I first got this letter from Missing C, she
didn't want me to use it in an eLetter. It felt too painful and
personal. I wrote her and asked her to please reconsider - because
there is SO MUCH in this letter to work with***
"Missing C" touches on almost all the awful things
that can happen in a relationship. Were you able to find the
mistakes she's making? Take a look at these and see if you identify (I
know these mistakes well because I made every one of them more than
Mistake #1: Becoming exclusive with a man who has
not committed to you.
Mistake #2: This sentence - "He has serious
commitment issues which I think stem from a very bad childhood with a
lack of any kind of stability in his life." It shows that she's
making excuses for the man, analyzing him in her mind, and not trusting
her instincts - because if she really believed he was so wounded that he
could never commit, then why would she date him in the first place?
Mistake #3: This sentence - "I never know if we're
going to get together until he calls at the last minute."
It shows Missing C isn't holding into any
Boundaries. It takes self-esteem to say No, and even if you don't feel
strong enough on the inside (you will if you listen to the Toolkit),
saying No will make you FEEL stronger, and just saying it will
communicate self-esteem to your man.
Saying No to a last minute date, along with
accepting dates from other men who DO call in enough time (let's say
three days - set your own rules), is a WIN all around. You'll
experience yourself as newly powerful. Just make sure you're not
playing games, and that you REALLY ARE BOOKED.
Mistake#4:This sentence - "I do most of the "Boy"
things. I call him, ask if he wants to get together, take care of him,
clean his house, buy him things, etc. In a way I feel like I'm
mothering him. Is that like being the "boy" really?" Yes, Missing
C is definitely being the "boy - and Leaning Forward, and doing too
much, over-functioning, over-nurturing, and basically killing all the
natural attraction, affection and interest in the relationship.
When we do this - when we take the oars of the
relationship in our own hands and start rowing, when we try to "take
care" of our men, their homes, their needs, we turn into their
"mothers," "sisters," "friends" or "housekeepers." That's why he's "not
in the mood" to kiss her. What man wants to kiss his mother, sister,
friend or housekeeper?
If any of "Missing C's" situation sounds familiar,
know that this is one of the most COMMON things that happens in
relationships, and that the mistakes I've listed - even though they seem
bad, are the ones most of us make ALL THE TIME! We've been
TRAINED to make these mistakes. We do these instinctively, and they
feel right. But they destroy relationships. So what can Missing C do,
and you, if you've found yourself in the same situation?
First, Step Back. Stop what you're doing. You
don't have to leave him - there's a Third Way - the Rori Raye Third
Way. Here are some things to get you started toward righting yourself
so you can right this relationship.
1. Start dating other men - start "Bridging." Fill
up your calendar days in advance, and if he doesn't call in time to book
you, use Feeling Messages to say how great it would feel to see him, but
you can't, you're already booked. You don't have to tell him you're
dating unless he asks. It's an absolute given to ANY man that you're not
exclusive until a real future is at least on the table.
2. Be warm and open to him, but never, ever Lean
3. Treat him as you would any other man you're
dating who's after your heart. Give him no extra consideration. That
means - no driving to his house, cleaning ANYTHING, GIVING anything, or
thinking about him when he's not in front of you.
4. Learn to say No and practice doing it with him.
Exactly how-to-do these steps to have the man and
the relationship you want is in the bottom- line, important,
life-changing Tools my work is all about. This may seem hard, but it
isn't. We make the same mistakes over and over because of habit - and it
doesn't have to be that way.
Just feeling empowered for one tiny moment can be
huge. If you put that together with other tiny, empowering moments -
you'll be stunned at how quickly you start to feel stronger all around -
and attract whatever man is standing nearest to you in a sudden and
intense way that you'll have to experience to believe.
Love, Rori Raye