Relationship Advice for Real Women!
Does your boyfriend have the fear of Commitment?
Here's a little scenario you might relate to: You meet a new guy and he seems PERFECT. He's charming, funny, interesting and - best of all - he appears to be really into YOU! He flirts...you flirt back. He asks you out... you accept. You begin dating and it couldn't be better. The connection... the chemistry... everything about him is just AMAZING.
You feel like you're living in a romantic novel and you've found your leading man. You even hear the soundtrack in your head - "I'm walking on sunshine...YEAAAHHH... and don't it feel good!"
Then - OUT OF THE BLUE - it happens. "Mr. Wonderful" does something completely atrocious: says something devastatingly hurtful, cheats on you, reveals a violent side, or simply disappears into thin air. Errrr -- (Sound effect of a needle scratching across a record!)
You are left stunned - what happened? You feel foolish - How could you have been so WRONG about him? You've arrived at a crossroads. You can proceed one of two ways:
1. You can throw all of your energy into trying to make things work. After all, you have the memories of how great things once were so maybe somehow, some way, YOU can turn it back around.
2. You can jump for joy. Shout "hallelujah!" Thank your lucky stars. (Yes, you read that right.)
You're probably thinking, "Sure, - I GET #1, but #2??? Why would I be HAPPY when my supposedly 'perfect' boyfriend turns into a jerk?" Because the man you THOUGHT you knew finally decided to drop the act and show you his TRUE COLORS before it was too late. By "too late" I mean that you didn't have a lifetime invested in a dead-end relationship or marriage with this impostor.
You can get out of this bad situation NOW and get on with your life. (Important note of distinction: this is different than when you have a disagreement or challenge to work through in a long-term relationship. ALL relationships take work. I'm talking about when a guy you've been dating reveals that he has a completely different personality or some sort of major deal-breaking issue.)
So let take a look at the personal accounts of two women who stood at the crossroads I mentioned. One has chosen Path #1 and another has chosen Path #2.
There's a lot to be learned from these situations so let's dig in! (By the way... the advice I'm about to give really DOES work! Check out this quick SUCCESS STORY:
I received this email from a reader the other day:
My name is Beth. I have a dilemma in my relationship of 1.5 years. My fiancé proposed to me, and we were supposed to move in together when he decided one night to go out with his friends to a strip bar and pick up three strippers. He lied about the events even when he was caught with it. I did not move in with him and put things on hold to work things out. He then decided to cheat on me with two other women and again lied to me about it.
Afterwards he came forward and admitted it, saying that he was confused and had to make sure. Now, he doesn't want to spend time with me. We only see each other once a week. He doesn't want me near his family, or his son. He says that I caused him to have red flags because of my reactions.
Lastly, when we talked, he said that he does want to be with me and have a future together. But when I ask to see him, he gets upset and starts yelling saying that I am pushing and to stop pushing because he won't want to see me. I don't know what to do. Could you please help me?
Thanks,
Beth"
My Response:
"WHOA, BETH! I am truly amazed at what a master manipulator you are dealing with here. He has shown you his TRUE COLORS - that he is a cheater AND a liar - and has somehow twisted everything around to make Y-O-U feel like the bad guy! This man cheated on you with strippers, and when you were loving and forgiving enough to not dump his sorry butt and instead "put things on hold to work things out,"
HIS way of earning your trust back was to cheat on you with two other women??? And Y-O-U were the one to cause HIM to see red flags??? Honey, please! This man is playing mind games with you! He is completely disrespecting you, walking all over you, deliberately hurting you... and then turning it around so you feel like it's your fault and on top of everything else, PUNISHING you by keeping you away from his family, whom you obviously care about a great deal.
I know this may seem hard to believe right now because you're under the spell of this devious man, but his exhibiting of this despicable behavior is the best thing that could have happened to you right now. That's because you have the opportunity to see this person for who he truly is: the wrong man for you.
If he's treating you this way NOW while you're engaged, what on earth would stop him from continuing this behavior once you're married? You have the chance NOW to get out of this relationship before you find yourself any deeper.
You don't want to be in a relationship with someone just to be in a relationship. (And if you do, you're not giving yourself enough credit - you deserve better than to settle for someone based on the criteria that he's 'not a serial killer.')
It saddens me to see so many women trying to force relationships with inferior men. It's like it doesn't even occur to them to evaluate whether these men have the qualities they're looking for in a partner. They become so consumed with trying to make the man love them, they do everything in their power to be the 'perfect' girlfriend and completely ignore the fact that he's not even close to being a decent boyfriend.
It is absolutely essential to remember that there are TWO people in every relationship. If your only concern is making a man want YOU, then you will invariably end up neglecting to consider whether you even want him in the first place."
You deserve to spend your life with a man who will love you, respect you, and CHERISH you. You don't have to settle for a relationship with someone who treats you like dirt. Beth, please do yourself a favor and make a clean break now.
I wish you all the happiness in the world."
Here's another email from a reader:
"Paige,
My boyfriend had proposed to me at 9 months things were PERFECT. He bought me a beautiful engagement ring after proposing to me on a perfect trip to Mexico. Here I thought all was going to be perfect or even normal...
Then he decided that after our first big fight to make his biggest mistake - he had a woman answer his phone at 1:30am.
He said nothing happened but the whole week before he was giving me weird signals such as :
1) started spending more time at his "bachelor pad" with his roommates.
2) Kept worrying about how he looked.
3) Kept talking about his double life ???
All that - and he couldn't offer me an ounce of reassurance. The woman who answered his phone was 'his friend's wife' (so the story went) ...and I'd just have to 'trust him.' He wasn't going to be having his cake and eating it too.
If he couldn't be respectful to our future together than he could go back to bar hopping and keg parties & petty flings!
I hope other women can learn from my wasted time and effort on him. I was really hurt for the first week; I kept thinking this would have been my HUSBAND.
However I'm very happy to get out before I made the biggest mistake of my life. Sincerely ladies, it's better to be alone and happy than committed and disrespected!
Thank you for Paige for being here for us all!
Gretchen"
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My Response:
"Good for you, Gretchen! I am so proud of you for being BRAVE enough to recognize - and pay attention to - the warning signals that your boyfriend's behavior was sending...
...and CONFIDENT enough to let the relationship go because you know you deserve better!
There's a book called "The Gift of Fear" that is about how we all have this wonderful gift of finely-tuned instincts that allow us to sense when something is wrong (particularly when we are in an unsafe situation - like in an elevator with a man who might attack us) and that we really need to trust and act on those instincts.
I think the same is true for your case. Although you were not in physical danger with your ex-fiance, you may very well have been in danger of being emotionally hurt by his unpredictable (and less-than-honorable) actions.
I am very impressed with your positive attitude. You are thankful that you saw the red flags before you married this man, and in my humble opinion, that is exactly how you should feel. You have a second chance to find the man who truly deserves a phenomenal woman like you!
Please keep me posted on how things work out for you!"
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So as you can see from these Dramas of the Week, it's extremely important for you to pay attention to the signs your man is giving you and act accordingly.
Trust your instincts and believe that you deserve someone who will treasure you. If the guy you're dating shows his true colors and they're not pretty, be thankful that you saw the light and have the opportunity to move on. I'll write you again soon.
Your friend,
Paige
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